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Male Libido, Intimacy And Good Or Bad Sex.



If there's one positive aspect about the #MeToo movement, that is the fact that it's raising questions that society has either ignored or considered taboo for centuries. This is followed by the increasing courage to speak up about important matters that remained dormant within the narrative of silence. These are questions opening a new dialogue, and with it, awareness and solutions that have always been there, but that willingly or not, people did not dare to speak of. However simple the matter is, breaking silence is not easy. Breaking silence taboos such as sexuality, intimacy or sexual misconduct or rape, is even more difficult. We're currently facing an extraordinary opportunity to create a new narrative through a dialogue that includes all, far from patriarchal patterns of belief and behaviour. 

The sudden wave of awareness has brought shame, not only due to the misconduct of many men, -and some women- but to what up to this day it seemed to be a complete lack of awareness on what consensual sex is. There might be many grey areas in what consensual sex may be, but what is obvious, and it has been throughout, is that, the comfort, safety and sexual pleasure of women have been suppressed, while male satisfaction seemed to be a must, often resorting to coercive methods to achieve climax. 

The consequences are devastating for all, in ways that do not meet the eye, but most of it has been buried under invisible coats of shame and silence. Not speaking about it doesn't make it go away. It's an undeniable fact that most things that have not been spoken have not been said because they're true. To remain in silence implicitly contributes to perpetuate the lies against the human spirit. 

It's debatable to what extent anyone can claim ignorance or, if it has been all along a matter of convenience to coerce people, in order to reach climax. Everyone has enough energetic awareness to realise when a situation feels wrong or uncomfortable to put an end to it. If pleasure is not mutual, sex can't be good. Both, men and women use this subterfuge in order to get what they want. It's unfortunate the number of sexual tales that men do like to share with their peers are about female domination, servitude and submission spoken with a contemptible schmuckness that shows the satisfaction in manipulating others during sex.

Lack of dialogue and misinformation dehumanised people, separating us from emotions, intimacy and natural sexual pleasures by creating a cloud of guilt, shame and blame that had control of society for centuries. It does explain the over-sexualisation of everything for commercial purposes, which prolongs the agony of the denaturalisation of the human being and the belief that climax can't be reached. You can go window shopping, but you can't have what you want. It deshumanises human beings further, as one becomes the buyer, the other, the object of desire.

The over-sexualisation of everything is another form of control, and most people are buying into it. 

Money and power come into place. In the mind, that is! Those fortunate enough to produce a large sum of money live under the illusion of having the power to get anything they want, including sex, even love. In a society that has invested all its efforts in appointing a determined status in relation to what one has or owns, it's not surprising that people are seduced by such a false belief. Wealth buys better housing, better education, a better life, but attraction exist whether there's money or not. 

The problem has different roots dating back to centuries ago. These are energies that live hidden and deeply ingrained in the human psyche, the belief that what we have is who we are. In both, men and women. But this is not the only issue we're facing. 

Traditionally men have been encouraged to separate from feelings and emotions. Men are supposed to embody a toughen-up archetype that has only served the needs of patriarchal society as a form of control, and the defines what we men are not. While toughening up the heart hardens and closes, disallowing feelings and emotions. 

There are two different articles on this blog dealing with upbringing and education for those who want to explore this issue further: Balancing energies: Restoring male energy and raising female energy, and Men and emotions: The legacy of patriarchy.

While it doesn't affect all men, it's the common train in the majority. The inability to connect with our own feelings and emotions it does have an effect on the ability to connect freely, without boundaries with the feelings of others. It's an energetic trap, as we're deprived of most basic energetic tools that allows us to connect and understand others such as, empathy or compassion. 

The inability to connect and explore with feelings and emotions is not the only problem. As boys are instructed to take on the more responsible and obsolete roles of the bread winner; or the long gone hunter, we also stop and forget to play, affecting flexibility and movement. We become dead serious, tense or completely paralysed. Thus men are lacking in some of the essential components needing in love, relationships and sex. 

How does this affect the outcome of sex?

One of the difficulties in understanding all these concepts is the subtlety of the consequences men face as a result of such disconnection, is the effects that have in communication skills and abilities. Men neither see, nor feel them. From then on, relationships and sex become a learning curb in which obvious mistakes are made. 

Lack of dialogue

Lack of dialogue neglects sexual education or any kind of openness when it comes to sex. Something as natural to the human being becomes taboo, forbidden and in the case of boys a life mission until we get rid of the stickiest tag of all while growing up: virginity. Men and other more experienced boys make it worse by teasing younger boys when they're obviously not sexually active. Teasing comes along with shame, the feeling that they're not enough. Once the idea is planted in the mind, having the first sexual experience becomes an obsessive goal, and any girl or woman, a target.

The separation from feelings and emotions creates dissociation from the body; meaning that we live in our heads. This makes it difficult to explore sensuality and intimacy. Dissociation also causes men to focus and confuse sex and intimacy with the male orgasm, making sexual satisfaction the only concern. It's easier for a man to ejaculate than for a woman to reach an orgasm, therefore, men constantly finish their business, while women are expected to wait until a better time. For this reason, many men do make little or no effort in procuring women with an orgasm. 

In the process of growing up, men also separate from the ability to play. Playfulness is especially important in courting and intimacy. However, as men are educated to be direct and practical, there's little room for either playfulness or sensuality, which also happen to be essential elements in foreplay. 

A boy's urge to remove the virgin tag from their shoulders can lead to use direct and practical ways to end with the 'estigma'. Of course, boys and men evolve in their sexual practice learning from and interacting with their partners, but the way to approach sex can be formulaic. If the idea that women do not always reach an orgasm or that they don't do at all is a prevalent belief, the conditions for bad sex are set, and she may never reach climax during that relationship. 

If there's something important to be aware about the male libido is that it has been coerced and suppressed. Both, men and women have been taught to be ashamed of their sexuality and natural impulses; with guilt and blame and stereotypes. It's natural for the human being to rebel against what suffocates the human spirit, as it is the war against sexual energy or the shaming of our bodies. As boys grow up and begin to experiment with sex, there's a certain air of freedom in the intimacy with another person in what it feels a clandestine act. Having no reference to follow, boys experiment with sex to relieve their urges, creating unhealthy patterns that serve the purpose, and as they work, boys continue practicing the same habits, having no healthy options to compare. Of course, not every first sexual encounter is a tragedy. Not all men or boys have been separated from emotions.

Another fact that the #MeToo movement has unveiled is how men are coming to realise these unhealthy patterns, as it is coercive sex or lack of consent. Everybody, both, boys and girls, men and women should grow up with a clear understanding of these boundaries and a healthy approach to entering someone else's personal space, especially regarding to sexual intercourse. Patriarchy and tradition caused the damaged by suppressing sexuality and intimacy, but it's up to each individual to take responsibility for their actions and contribute to a new wave of education out of the classroom based on the wisdom of the collective.

It doesn't help the fact that women make excuses for men in the name of love when they under-perform, and if they've never known better, it's possible that it's accepted as normal, which is another form of the submission and suppression of women.

The lack of dialogue in sexuality, affects the ability to express and explore sexuality in open and healthy ways that would undoubtedly contribute to improve the relationship through intimacy. This lack of openness creates poor boundaries, which can lead to poor or bad sex. At this point it's important to consider that a young woman who's going through a negative first sexual experience or simply a number of unfulfilling sexual encounters is likely to develop poor boundaries or to dislike sex completely. 

When sexuality is experienced negatively from the beginning, people develop fear of intimacy, and sex becomes just another practical act in which a man might feel relieved, but not necessarily satisfied. There's a great difference between both. It goes as far and deep as many women refusing to be pleasured, with an act as sensual as oral sex. And as there's no openness, there's no intimacy, just sex while the heart closes down further and the soul takes refuge in places to never be seen again.

The male orgasm is also considered a 'must' by many men, as it's 'easier' to reach, which can lead to more coercive methods, even rape within the relationship. There's no doubt that the collective male libido is toxic and out of control, which doesn't mean that every man it toxic. The healthy ones are numerous. 

Boys will be boys.

There seems to be a general confusion about the male libido, which is mostly associated to biology. Boys will be boys echoes across the low level of collective consciousness. There are many factors that have an effect on the male libido, and that while they affect biology, such as diet, alcohol, drugs, -hormones, vitamins, proteins,- beliefs or simply everything that we put in our bodies: TV or reading. Playfulness, sensuality and intimacy also play an important part in the male libido, and by default, the female libido. 

When male orgasm becomes a must, the patience to explore all the different dimensions that can make of sex an incredibly sacred experience is limited and often non-existent. While every woman is different, it's actually fairly easy to please a woman sexually, although there is not an unique method, nor a formula that serves all. Leading a woman to orgasm has to be seen as an organic interaction between two people giving each other and enjoying an amazing experience together. The more she enjoys it, the more the man will enjoy it too. There's an amazing spectrum of possibility, intimacy and pleasure beyond the male orgasm that begins during foreplay. A man can reach an orgasm without actually ejaculating. An experience that every should and could have. 

The male libido can be trained to serve a healthier purpose and enhanced the sexual act for the benefit of everyone involved. 

For this reason, it's important to develop other parts of the self, such as playfulness, sensuality and intimacy. There are unexplored territories filled with extraordinary treasures that most men and women are missing, because the dialogue on sexuality, sensuality or intimacy have been non-existent. To explore them fully is a long journey ahead. The answers lie in restoring the ability to explore feelings and emotions in order to do so, which is a subject that will be discussed in future articles.

The ideal in a relationship is that two people can open up and freely express their desires, what they like, what they want, to find the patience that allows the tempos to introduce new sexual practices if needed or wanted, which in time turn into a healthy sexual relationship that moves beyond automatisms that can lead to boredom in a couple. The sexual act with another person has no limits, as it expands with the knowledge and feeling of the elements mentioned previously: sensuality, playfulness, foreplay and intimacy. 

Intimacy and sexuality can be a terrifying field full of triggers for many people, and while solutions might not be easy to find immediately, it is possible to find them and solve many of the problems that thus far has affected the freedom to explore and enjoy sex in its full expression. Sex, like everything else in a human being is limitless. One just needs to know how to get there. 

Finally, male libido or men are not to blame alone for bad sex or the unhealthy approach to sexual intercourse between men and women. Not all men are the same and there are in fact a large number of healthy ones that do not belong in these toxic parameters. It's important to consider other factors that affect both men and women, such a upbringing, religious education, childhood experiences sometimes tarnish with sexual abuse, education, family and peers. 

Everything that enters our bodies and minds or that's imposed on us does have an effect on sex and intimacy. But sex is not a myth, and neither is intimacy. Everyone has a wonderful opportunity to explore these spaces in the healthiest ways and to have amazing experiences. The lack of dialogue of important matters that hold the limitlessness of the human being to ransom is coming to an end. It's necessary to open up, to stand up and speak up. Just like love, sex and intimacy require an act of rebellion, and so does to break this long held silence, so as to speak the truth beyond the comfort zone. And that's a real leap of faith. 





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